Umbrela

Un batran de 90 de ani ii spune doctorului sau:

- Nu m-am simtit niciodata atat de bine. Am o mireasa de 18 ani cu care voi avea un copil. Ce ziceti de asta?Doctorul se gandeste un minut la intrebarea lui si apoi spune:

- Am un prieten mai in varsta care este vanator si nu lipseste de la nici un sezon. Intr-o zi cand se cam grabea a luat umbrela in loc sa ia pusca. Cand a ajuns la locul de vanatoare, a vazut un iepure care statea langa un rau. Si-a ridicat umbrela, a facut 'bang, bang' si iepurele a cazut mort la pamant. Ce zici de asta?

Batranul raspunde:

- Eu as zice ca altcineva i-a omorat iepurele.

Doctorul:

- Exact!

Prezervativul

Un student suna la salvare:
- Buna ziua! Nepotul meu a inghitit un prezervativ!

- Va trimit o ambulanta, imediat ce vine la baza!
Dupa 15 min. suna din nou studentul:
- Buna ziua sunt unchiul copilului care a inghitit un prezervativ!
- Da, imediat, acum soseste ambulanta!
- NU mai trebuie ... am gasit altul in sifonier!

Educatie prin bataie

Bula traia in sat de munte cu Maria lui. Intr-o zi ii vine ordinul de recrutare. Ii zice Mariei:

- Marie,vino cu mine la gara ca eu n-am mai vazut lumea.

A doua zi merg ei la gara. Dimineata tare, noapte inca, apare lumina locomotivei. Bula ia un par si asteapta pe linie. (trenul:UUUUUU!UUU!) Dupa doua minute, Bula la spital in ghips. Maria il ia acasa si-l aseaza ca la spital agatat cu picioarele in sus. Maria ii pune un ceai sa fiarba. Ceainicul a inceput sa clocoteasca: uuuuuuuu!uuuuuu!). Bula se ridica repede din ghips, ia un par si farma ceainicul. Maria vine speriata si-l intreaba de ce l-a farmat?

- Astia trebuie batuti de mici, ai vazut ce-ti fac cand cresc mari?

La examen

Examen in anul I de facultate. Profesorul sta cu fata la geam - studentii copiaza pe rupte. Cand profesorul se intoarce cu fata la studenti, toti se prefac ca scriu de zor...

Examen in anul II de facultate. Profesorul sta cu fata la geam - studentii copiaza pe rupte. Cand profesorul se intoarce cu fata la studenti, acestia copiaza in continuare. Cand profesorul bate cu pixul in masa, studentii se prefac ca scriu de zor.

Examen in ultimul an de facultate. Profesorul sta cu fata la geam - studentii copiaza pe rupte. Cand profesorul se intoarce cu fata la studenti, acestia continua cu copiatul. Cand un student din ultimele randuri bate cu pixul in masa, profesorul se intoarce cu fata la geam.

Asasinul vremurilor noastre

Sinucidere ...

Coconut, bubble gum, firetrack...

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade"

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

De la 1 an la 40 de ani de casnicie!

1 an de casnicie:

40 de ani de casnicie (even a cold bastard need a warm home):

Nevasta pierduta

Doi tipi isi ciocnesc din greseala carucioarele intr-un supermarket.
Primul tip catre celalalt:
- Vai, imi cer mii de scuze, o cautam pe nevasta-mea!
Al doilea tip:
- Sincer, si eu dupa a mea! Chiar incep sa ma ingrijorez, ca nu inteleg pe unde o fi!
- Pai, cum arata sotia dvs.? Poate mergem sa le cautam impreuna!
- Pai, cum sa fie? Inalta, super craci, tate mari, cur beton, fata de vagaboanda, buze senzuale. Dar a dvs.?
- Nu conteaza, hai s-o cautam pe-a ta!